Random Improv

This is something that My little Brother and I came up with while doing some voice improv. We had a good laugh so we wrote it down.

Episode 1

“So there are one…. two.. uh.. looks like there are sixteen guards…”

“And the one on the wall?”

“Seventeen guards.. That one up on the wall is going to be the most dangerous.”

“Why?”

“Because he will see us first, idiot.”

“Ok, so what is the plan?”

“Ok, you take this rock here, and throw it at the one on the wall and try to knock him off, and then while all the other guards are distracted, we will walk in.”

“Igath like the plan.” Igath said. He took the rock and hit the guard on the wall square in the head and the guard fell off.

“Good throw Igath. Get ready to run.”

One of the guards looked at his fallen comrade and said, “Sorry Bill, told you that position sucks,” then walked on.

“Uh… Are we supposed to run now?” Igath asked.

“That didn’t work out like I thought it would.”

A booming voice came out from the castle wall and a large man emerged. “Johnson, it’s your turn, Take Bills post.” Johnson walked up to the wall, cursing the whole way along. The large man retreated into the castle again.

“Well, let’s try it again.” Kap said.

Igath took up another rock and felled another wall guard.

The captain came out and called another man into the position.

“It working, do we have more rocks?” Igath said.

“Too bad we are out of rocks,” Kap said.

“Well.... what we do now?”

“Do we have anything else we can throw?”

Igath looked through their belongings, “A crusty stale biscuit.”

“Give it a try.”

Igath hurled the biscuit at the guard and it left a large dent in the guard’s armor as he toppled off the wall.

“Wow, that did better than the rock. Do we have any more?”

Igath looked, “A couple more.”

“Well do you have fourteen more?”

“Don’t you mean uh... seventeen?”

“What do you mean, we already took out three.”

“No.. Look... Seventeen.” Igath Pointed

Kap looked at the guards, “one… two… three… oh stunt double’s armpit, they keep reinforcing their ranks. These guys are tough nuts to crack, they don’t break formation for anything.”

“Well Kap, what we do?”

“I don’t know, if there was only a back way in.”

“Well… there is.”

“What?”

“I saw it on the way here.”

“And now you are going to tell me that it was completely unguarded too.”

“Not one guard in sight.” Igath said.

Kap sighed, “Why didn’t you say so before.”

Igath shrugged. “I dunno Kap. I dunno.”

“Well come on, lets go…”

15 minutes later.

“That was easier than I expected.” Kap said.

“Hey Who are you two.”

“Crap.” Kap said.

“You two are crap?” said the guard.

“I.. um.. uh.. Please don’t kill us we are just traveling through to get to the other side, we are making our way to the land on the other side.”

“Oh, why didn’t you say so. Well come on through.”

“What?” Kap said.

“What what?” the Guard said.

“What what what?” Igath said.

“Huh…” they all said.

“Yes..” Igath said.

“Aren’t you guards supposed to be… guarding the castle from anyone entering?” Kap asked.

“Well yeah, we are supposed to guard it against… Threats…” the guard grinned.

“Wait, so you are saying that… we not threats? We knock guards off wall with rock and biscuit?”

Kap cringed.. “Uh… Igath..” he whispered, “Shut up..”

“Huh Kap, what you say?”

“Oh, you were the ones throwing rocks. Don’t worry about it, we loose guys in that position all the time.”

“Uhhh, so you are saying that… we aren’t threats?” Igath asked.

“We’ve had worse then you two. I remember one time when we had a Gigantic Cow come by. You think throwing rocks is bad, wait until you have a two hundred pound cow pie fall on your head.”

Episode 2

“Ok, so we finally made it to the gate to the evil kingdom. We just have one more problem. How do we get through the evil kingdom alive.” Kap said.

“Wait, is that our last problem, or will we have more problems once we get on the other side.” Shirly asked.

Kap sighed. “Next question.”

“You want me to throw the crusty stale biscuit?” Igath asked.

“Well, it worked last time.”

“What happened last time?” Shirly asked.

“You were asleep during all of that.” Bill said.

“Throw the roll Igath,” Kap said.

Igath took the biscuit and threw it with all his beefy might. They waited, and thirty seconds later they heard a deafening explosion. Then the biscuit came flying back through the portal and nailed Shirly in the face, causing him to fly back several feet and land on his back unconscious.”

“Well that worked” Kap said.

“Woah, some daemon on that side has a better throwing arm then you Igath.”

Igath sighed and looked at the ground. “I am shamed”

“Don’t get yourself down about it Igath.” Agatha said.

“Ok, Plan B. Lantz you go through first and if you make it to the other side alive, yell really loud to let us know.”

“Ok..” Lantz said as he ran through the portal. The group waited and waited and waited…

30 minutes later.

“Ok, that should have been enough time for Lantz to get through. I guess he didn’t make it. So we go to plan B-2. Chance. Go see if you can find the body of your buddy Lantz.”

Chance looked at the ominous portal. The portal specifically went out of its way to look dark, and ominous, and threatening, and it was doing a very good job. Chance carefully stepped toward the threshold of the great black gate, inching closer as he neared. He took a deep breath and took a step through. Then he exhaled with relief. To the great horror of the whole group Chance got picked up by whatever was on the other side of the gate, and hanging half way through the gate, he was flailed around, beat against the ground a few times, then tossed in front of the group.

“Well that plan worked wonderfully too.” Kap said.

Shirly groaned and sat up.

“Oh stunt double’s armpit. Shirly is back.” Kap said.

A large hand came out of the portal and grabbed for chance but got Shirly instead and pulled him through.

“Never mind. That worked stupendously. Now whatever is on the other side shouldn’t be hungry. But just to be sure, we will throw Chances body through too. Igath. Go.”

Igath picked up Chances Body and threw it into the portal.

Shirly’s left boot came flying back out and narrowly missed Fred. “Ok, that takes care of three of our more annoying party members which means more gold for the rest of us.” Kap said.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Fred said.

“What am I forgetting?”

“We still need to get through the portal to the other side.”

“Oh, that.. well it’s easy you see, we are going to round up as many bunnies as we can get and throw them through the portal, then while all the monsters on the other side are attacking the bunnies, we will sneak on through without any problem.”

“I think you are nuts.” Fred said.

“Well there is magic in confidence. If you have none, then you can just die I guess.”

Five seconds later.

Kap, Igath, Fred, Bill, and Agatha the burly, hairy, Amazon lady, were running for their lives through the portal away from the giant blood thirsty, daemon bunny that had been guarding the gate of the evil kingdom.

“GREAT PLAN KAP.” Yelled Fred.

“SHUT UP.”

“WHERES YOUR MAGIC NOW?”

“I SAID… HEY THERE IS THE PORTAL.” They quickly escaped through to the other side to see Lantz cooking dinner over a small fire.

“Lantz? You were supposed to yell really loud if you made it through.”

“I was hungry..” Lantz said.

Kap rubbed his head.

“So was that the last of our problems or do we have more now that we are on this side of the evil kingdom?” Shirly asked.

“Oh, stunt double’s armpit, Shirly’s Back.”

“Yep, I’m going to haunt you from now on. Chance is here too, you back stabbing weasel.”

Kap Sighed.